This is an old humor thing I was noting down in my journal that I thought y’all would enjoy
Mr. Mistar
Batman’s most French of enemies. Jean-Garcon Saint-DeGaul, known in the criminal underworld as Mr. Mistar, is the richest man in Europe. A real estate magnate, he funds super- villains to get inside info on what properties will be destroyed, giving him an edge in the market. After the combined efforts of Batman and Bruce Wayne to foil his plan to turn Gotham’s public housing into high rises and turn homeless shelters into pop culture art museums, he swears vengeance. His most successful scheme turned the main Wayne Enterprises building into a hostel for villains for the better part of a year.
Clayface 3000
The original Clayface in the future becomes integrated with the internet, able to learn and manifest anything that exists on the internet. Batman’s new foe Scale sends him from the future as an elaborate distraction to kidnap Alfred. Clayface 3000 was sent back to the future after Batman was able to show him a picture from the future.
Philadelphia Hang Glider
Normally an antagonist to the teen superhero group The Needed, Philadelphia Hang Glider took the news of Batman’s apparent death to perform high flying bank robberies in Gotham. Upon Batman’s return, Batman beat, humiliated, and subsequently cyber-bullied Philadelphia Hang Glider so badly, Philadelphia Hang Glider sued Batman under his real name Stan Aerosmith, leading to his arrest. There is a grass roots movement in Gotham to hold Batman responsible for psychological trauma to Philadelphia Hang Glider.
Chupacabra Mask
Originally the Riddler was granted mystical powers from wearing this mask during his mini-series The Answer. Later, in a confrontation with Batman, the mask fell into a Lazarus Pit. The pit granted the mask life, sentience, and the singular goal of revenge against Batman for bringing it into this miserable existence. Although alive and able to talk, its still just a mask. Most appearances of Chupacabra Mask have been it screaming for help at the bottom of a Lazarus Pit or telling museum goers at the Gotham Museum of Crime and Aviation that Batman sucks.
Norman Reedus
For one and a half issues of writer Jeph Linz limited-run series Bat-Family Massacre, acclaimed actor Norman Reedus was mind controlled by the genetic clone of Batman villain Hush, Shush. Shush’s mind control device not only controlled Reedus, but released his dopamine and adrenaline inhibitors, making him capable fo humanly impossible feats. After incapacitating Reedus with the help of former Wayne Enterprises outreach coordinator turned crime-fighter Echo Hope, Batman surgically removed the mind control device from Reedus. He then arranged for Alfred to return to Reedus to his family.
Dwight Howard
During a 2012 issue of Batman: Orange with Greed, Batman reveals he’s a huge Laker’s fan and expresses skepticism about the Howard trade, noting “The Laker need young guys and man Howard isn’t the kind of player that ages well, a center with that play style” as Alfred ignored him while tending his wounds. In a 2014 issue of the cross-over event Fiber HourGlass, Bruce Wayne attends a Rockets-Lakers game where he loudly boos Howard from the sideline.
Dr. Batman
The antagonist of a Tetris like mini game in the video game Arkham City. This is only unlockable by entering the secret room in Crime Alley after finding Two-Face’s dental records in the mission A Distress Signal to Bludhaven.
The Doll With No Name
During a promotional comic for the U2 album No Line on the Horizon, the multi-dimensional imp Mr. Mxyptlk finds out Batman doesn’t like U2 and sends Batman into physical manifestations of U2’s discography. As Batman overcomes these trials, he finds his toughest challenge in an empty street embodying “The Streets Have No Name,” only containing an American girl doll dressed as Bono. The doll starts listing Batman’s favorite bands, such as The Mountain Goats and Reel Big Fish, every name increasing the weight on Batman and crushing him. With no other choice, Batman admits that the only reason he doesn’t like U2 is their mainstream popularity. The issue closes with Batman attending a U2 concert, who is then brought on stage by The Edge to play a guitar solo during “Vertigo.”
The Doll with No Name would later return in DC continuity for two issues of Robin: Emancipated Boy Wonder to torture Robin over his favorite rapper being Eminem.
Akira Toriyama, Hirohiko Araki, and Naoko Takeuchi
On Earth 23.01, the setting of the DC comics line Detective Manga Dimension, Batman is an orphaned, rich, and unpopular high school student in Tokyo. But at night he stalks the streets as the extremely popular Bat Yokai, who fights crime and even has his own radio program.
After foiling a money laundering scheme by his childhood friend The Laughing Penguin, Laughing Penguin attempts to use the Bat Yokai’s love of manga against him by empowering the authors of Dragon Ball, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, and Sailor Moon with the Bane serum, unleashing them to rampage Tokyo. Hesitant to hurt his favorite artists, the Bat Yokai is soundly defeated with an uppercut from Naoko Takeuchi. But after a resounding speech about determination and not giving up from the Bat Yokai, the mangakas come to their senses and use the last of their super strength to capture The Laughing Penguin. The authors then take the Bat Yokai out for a milkshake, an evening that ends with a picture of them all hanging out drawn by Takeuchi’s husband, famed manga artists Yoshihiro Togashi.
Van Buren
An archeologist and a descendant of U.S. President Martin Van Buren, Scooter Scotsdale’s research led him to believe there existed an elixir of life deep in the mountains of U.S. Appalachia. His whole life, from growing up in an accident prone funeral home to his time bartending at the Chelsea Hotel, was surrounded by death. But he believed he could conquer death. During his excavation he stumbled though a crevice into a secret room on a mountain face. In the center was a pyramid with water trickling from it. He quickly drank from the pyramid, unaware of its purpose to commune with dead. His body transformed and as his mind receded into nothingness, all that remained was long dead United States President Martin Van Buren.
The resurrected Van Buren, angered at his mediocrity and obscureness to the nation he gave his entire being to, sough revenge on America. Seeing him as the both his greatest obstacle and a symbol of lady liberty gone awry, Van Buren resolves to start his quest with killing Batman or as Van Buren calls him “The Shadow President.” After an initial failed attempt to pistol duel Batman followed immediately by gifting him small pox blankets, Van Buren would frequently attempt to assassinate Batman over the last decade and half. Most notable of his attempts is when he closely tailed Batman throughout his year on the run during the events of Batman: Fugitive for Hire. At that time Van Buren was bonded with the Bio-Tech Bacteria, giving him unlimited stamina and the ability to create fungal weapon.
Flicky Dicky
Filamore Richard was a mild-mannered accountant and husband who carried a secret. At the age of 12, the great wizard Endelfun told him he was destined to be the warrior to bring about the end of the world. Not wanting to end the world, Filamore Richard did everything he could to make himself weak and stoppable. He forced an allergy to fresh air, intentionally malnourished himself, broke his bones whenever it seemed convenient, and legally changed his name to Flicky Dicky to hurt his confidence.
The prophecy turned out to be self fulfilling. His allergy to fresh air reactivated long dormant human genomes that were capable of bending the cords of reality. which were then forced into active development out of desperation from his weakened body. He was now warping reality with even the smallest of actions, in one instance turning half of Metropolis into a water park for dogs while attempting to pour milk into cereal. With the world on the verge of disaster, one hero after another attempted to defeat Flicky Dicky, suffering painful death and erasure from reality as Flicky Dicky watched in horror, unable to prevent it.
Batman, having deduced Flicky Dicky’s history with the help of Egyptian police sergeant-turned-dimension hopping cat Galbard Sphinx, found a more novel solution. Via drone, Batman instructed Flicky Dicky through a work out and diet regiment to, in Batman’s words “get him swole.” Once Batman successfully turned Flicky Dicky “into a true beefcake,” his effects on the world slowly reverted, his body no longer sensing any danger to him.
Future instances of Flicky Dicky’s reality warping appear during rare instances where he slacks on his fitness.
During the event of Infinite Bat-Crisis Across Unlimited Bat-Worlds, the Joker and Condiment King putting copious amounts of sugar into Flicky Dicky’s lunchtime SweetGreen salads is one of the three catalysts for alternate realities converging. Terry McGinnis (Batman Beyond) and Thomas Wayne were able track down Flicky Dicky and initiate a cross-fit workout to alleviate his role in shifting reality.
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