If V for Voltron and The Last Joker taught us anything, it's that over-analyzing and over-theorizing things is always a smart use of time that isn't a sure fire guarantee of building expectations that could never realistically be met what?
Anyway, not to sound like Mister Braggy Pants Esquire the fourth, but I think I have Kojima pegged. So here's how I think Dead Steaks is gonna play out:
It's like 2097. Earth has been overrun by zombie space alien men all connected to villain man, played by Maddy Mads. Oscar Winning Fish Fucking Movie Man is a diplomat on earth, and he's trying to keep his baby away from Maddy Mads, because it's the most important baby.
Normal Reedus is a space man and he's trying to find out where Maddy Mads came from and how to stop him and his army of skeleton people and intestine tanks. But somewhere along the way, Normal Reedus gets ambushed by Maddy Mads and gets paired up with a Norman Feetus. So Normal Reedus and Norman Feetus have to fight their way across a strange ass parallel earth covered in crabs and space things. Normal Reedus will occasionally spout pseudo-philosophical trite about how Maddy Mads Hannibal and his kind will be the end of the world and that somehow, it's our fault.
Along the way, he meets Troy Baker Man and Naked Lady Man from MGSV for Vroom. They exposit how Maddy Mads and his army of evil alien ghost baby monsters are like death incarnate and that they want to spread death and ghost babies everywhere. And only Normal Reedus and Norman Feetus can stop him. And in a truly surreal sci-fi horror stealth action setting, Normal Reedus will combat these vicious threats in the most ground breaking way possible; by shooting the shit out of Maddy Mads and his evil skeleton men and eviler ghost babies. But because Kojima constantly referred to ropes and stick, Normal Reedus will occasionally mix things up by tying Norman Feetus to a rope and smacking him into Maddy Mads' army. And also he will find stick and hit Maddy Mads with it once.
Eventually this will culminate into a final showdown between Normal Reedus and Maddy Mads which ends before the fight can even begin because Kojima still isn't convinced we felt enough phantom pain killing Skullster without a boss fight. Instead, Maddy Mads will be crushed by a whale just before his boss fight, and it will be revealed that Oscar Winner Fish Movie Man is the true main villain, and you will fight his evil boss baby who pilots a giant alien Metal Gear Man. But after you throw Norman Feetus at it enough times, it explodes and kills the boss baby, leaving only Normal Reedus and the Shape of Fish Men Man, who is crushed by the boss baby's alien Metal Gear Man because feeling empty is more important than having fun.
But after all the bad guys are dead, it will be revealed that earth already died with everyone in it, and that Normal Reedus was in purgatory all along, and that all the ghost babies were actually aborted fetuses that never got the chance to grow up into bright young and sticky disappointments. It will end on a black screen and an out of context quote saying how there are twelve million abortions each year and that it's somehow killing whales, then Donna Burke or the ghost of a David Bowie cover band will sing and the game will be over.
PythonSelkin will make way too many videos claiming Dead Standing is a prequel to Metal Gear Solid Hills.
YongYea will somehow twist that the entire game is a big middle finger to Konami and conclude his review by saying, "I give Deaf Stealing a FucKonami out of 10."
It will be revealed that you can unlock super boss baby in Loot Boxes, and YongYea will finally be broken. Until he finds a way to twist how the Loot Box Babies are actually a brilliant metaphor that only a brilliant mind like Kojima could come up with and not the hack-frauds over at hastagfuckonami. Especially their evening janitor.
Hastagfuckthatguyinparticular.
And that will be Death Streaming.
It will receive universal acclaim from all critics. It will have a lot of clunky dialogue and way too much exposition and yet everyone will call it a masterpiece of writing that makes you truly emotional about the ghost babies.
That or Normal Reedus just spends thirty six hours bumming around in a semi-multiplayer open world, completely naked and throwing boss babies at aliens and other players.
But either way?
You will finally be ashamed of your words and deeds, Internets.
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