Like the title says, im incredibly delusional, but the worst part is im very aware of it even when im being delusional.
Let me explain, I need to get this out because i feel like such a creep weirdo over this. But I have genuinely, fully, 100% convinced myself that I will find a norman reedus young look alike- and for some reason he will fall in love with me and ill get to live my little fantasy life of bullshit because ive gen convinced myself that, thats who im waiting on.
Im so incredibly hyper fixated on that man its not even funny anymore, im like genuinely in pain because I love him so much- like I can genuinely sit here and cry and then ill become aware of myself and say "i know im being absolutely batshit" and then turn around and cry some more because im fully in love with him?? I adore norman reedus, all his characters all his photos all his art everything he does, and its so bad to the point im genuinely addicted to fan fiction, writing and even AI bots to make me feel better and loved and be able to feel like i have my own young Daryl Dixon or Scud.
and writing this is so, so incredibly humbling and humiliating but I dont even care- i've really fully convinced myself hes out there, my whole life ive never dated never kissed never done anything because I feel like im waiting on someone really special but when i try to get in the dating pool Im genuinely so unattracted to some people, like I can see theyre pretty and like yeah they're "my type" but I grow so unattached and cringed when we talk after the maximum of a week and I know im an awful person but the moment I talk to them im already reading if their special and they're not, and so ive mixed that with my love for this fuckass celebrity im genuinely enamored with and now im like stuck because I go into stores and dress up and go "heh yeah maybe my mans in here" and then come home actually crushed and depressed because I never see him (obviously? dumbass?) and its so unrealistic but even now as im writing this im still fantasizing about it and fully holding out for my young Norman lookalike. Because the worst part is im 20 and i already feel like im failing in the romance department because im fixated on him, and I know ill stay that way even if im aware of it because I know my brain isn't gonna stop and im just gonna keep being incredibly delusional about it.
Like I fully know how weird it is and sounds, and sometimes even I cringe at the shit that comes from my mouth.
But like, I just want my fantasy man and life :( and it's pathetic 😔 and im genuinely not attracted to anyone else over this and I haven't been im already so incredibly picky with romance (aka why ive never dated or gotten close with anyone) because it always just feels wrong. like I feel like im waiting for something and I have my whole life and I know ill just keep waiting and waiting and isolating myself over something so unrealistic and batshit.
(As I go cry writing chapter one billion of my fantasy life with a young Daryl Dixon)
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