I was celibate from 2019 (New Year's 2020 doesn't count because the frenulum between his dick shaft and dick head was torn so even though I was going to have sex with him, when we tried, he'd start bleeding, and when I tried blowing him, I tasted pennies and spit out dick blood into the Holiday Inn sink) to August 2023 (when I met a guy in the astrology subreddit even though I wasn't looking - he starred in my coital breakup post) and have now been celibate again since May or June? of 2024. I was/am celibate for my best interest and for sociopolitical reasons. I am technically 4b but dont talk about it due to the political climate (oops) and dont engage with it in an 'official' capacity anyways. feminist spaces lost their appeal and radicalism years ago - it all plays out the same as any other space occupied by people (especially women who have been socialized to have no unity with each other try as hard as they can to unlearn it) and becomes a cliquish mess. I couldn't tell you the last time I interacted with a man but then again that's easy when you don't leave your house. but even before i became a hermit i never took men seriously as people and always recognized women, as terrifying as they are, at least being capable of being my emotional and intellectual and personal equals. I think about my dad a lot obviously which isnt really female centered of me but at the day i end up exactly what i started out as - a misanthropist. it all comes to a point where you get burned out enough and recognize the hopelessness of it all (tell me when in human history has any oppressed group has achieved any of the actual liberation theyve been fighting for and i mean true actual liberation, not equality via being accepted into the preceding power structures that once oppressed them) and it's so much easier to just spurn humans as innately evil corrupt animals (an 'evolved' group that ironically use animal as an insult when animals at least aren't capable of the cruelty humans are).
i went from a misanthropist to a raging feminist from the age of ~20-28 and then my zeal just sort of petered out. it's not that my beliefs changed at all but that it all seemed pointless to talk about any further especially since libfeminism had infiltrated the mainstream so much and now everyone was a 'feminist' and the movement has been thoroughly colonized by handmaidens. i remember the like two years i was a libfem in my youth (before i naturally started questioning all of its patriarchal perpetuating tenets like someone with critical thinking skills should - i wasnt even exposed to radical feminism but instead started formulating the beliefs that happened to pertain to it myself) when i'd just sit topless with friends and id tell guys with unhinged jaws that i was doing a feminism and they could even touch if they wanted, that this was not a sexual experience and it would be the same as me squeezing their pectoralis (i was obviously completely severed from any social context and convinced that if i acted as if it were a post feminist world, it would be).
it sucks but i cant talk about myself without talking about my relationships and interactions with men and how they affect/ed me. i wish this wasnt the case and that i never mentioned any man and that they werent the basis of so much of the trauma and stories i have but i cant deny a reality and it is a reality that exists because of how women are socialized to center men so of course that will be reflected. i lost my virginity at 17 to the guy i stayed with until i was 24 and when i was single again i was pissed id wasted so much time with one person who wouldnt even french kiss or touch me with his hands during sex, in essence being treated like a hole for 7 years and i really thought there was more to experience out there which is a laugh. ofc like a good young woman i thought that experiencing life meant having casual sex. i always make the joke that i swang from dick to dick like tarzan on vines. just imagine the tarzan scream and imagine the hanging dicks.
i was searching for something obviously and my default setting was to search for things in men. back when i still thought there was anything to even find inside them. maybe some narcissistic and or sociopathic tendencies, that's the best i could find. deep wells of insecurity yeah but nothing impressively comparable to the emotional complexity and depth that women possess so any pain i witnessed was also mediocre. the cruelty was very simplistic and shallow inheritances from patriarchy and male socialization, not even original. everything was one note and underwhelming. the pain i experienced was me insisting on experiencing pain, my life depended on it for its transformative properties. so in essence i kept raping myself and raping myself and raping myself and subjecting myself to these ignominious situations. i never stopped to ask myself anything or check in with myself except for why i wasnt good enough for this or that loser between binges of alcohol and xanax so i could try to stymie the pain i insisted on filling myself with. i just kept hurling forward to the next car or rooftop, running away from my self who was running after me with a cleaver.
i always felt worse and emptier afterwards and my mental health would disintegrate further the more exposed to these men i was. there was yuri who finally touched me after 7 years of not being touched and i was ok with it even if his touch left my tits cheetah printed with bruises and i couldnt raise my arms after from how hard hed pulled out my breasts. hed bruise me up throwing his dogs toys at me and constantly pushed me fully clothed in his pool for his entertainment. i only left him after he told me to put some makeup on for sex because that was too far. there was jack with a lithp who said he had dyspraxia not autism but it didnt affect his coordination when it came to cunnilingus. when he came he would scrunch his eyes, make little t-rex arms, and move his head side to side. he drooled on me once. there was sam who impregnated a girl he met on tinder. he was a deadbeat father whose daughter was the love of his life of course. he would giggle like a little schoolgirl during the 90 seconds we'd have sex before he'd lose his erection. his ex ex girlfriend would cyberstalking me, making fake profiles of me on social media and pasting my face onto images of porn. the police said they couldnt do anything until she physically hurt me. there was juan who i met at work. he invited me out to a restaurant where we took up a table just for him to order his own drink. we had sex twice and i cant remember it because it wasnt gratuitously violent. he said i ruined his life because of how i grabbed him by the ass and swallowed him whole. he was the owner of the New Year's 2020 bloody dick, a night during which he whispered he loved me as he spotted the hotel bed like a menstruating lovesick teenage girl. I was disgusted by his tenderness. hes a suicidal doctor now and every time he returns to visit family he tries to rent me for the night. there was gabriel who would ask me to ahegao faces when we had sex and inexplicably sent me a picture of his injured fist after he'd punched a stop sign. he eventually started stalking me, making new numbers and new emails to message and send me dick pics from every time i blocked him. the police said they couldnt do anything until he hurt me. there was christian whose dad abused him and made him wear a diaper until he was 11. his penis was wide at the bottom and narrow at the top. he told me i gave him the worst blowjob hed ever had and that he'd faked his orgasm (jizz and all) but that it was okay because we'd learn each other's bodies. smiley face. i never had sex with him and still sometimes wish i had.
i stopped believing in heterosexual love a very long time ago but im not sure if its something im capable of in any relationship. maybe im being too existential but literally what the fuck is love? parental love, that's biochemical and evolutionary (and even then doesn't exist a lot of the time) and not a freely made choice so that's not an example. romantic love is a social tool to used to keep women bound to men and romanticizing their servitude/submission. platonic love is the only type that could perhaps exist but maybe im projecting but i feel like humans are too selfish at their core to truly love. i dont feel like it's love if it's not a freely made choice as i mentioned earlier and i also dont feel like it's love if it's not enduring. the last point is definitely flawed. it will be argued that just because something doesnt last doesnt render it any less real. if you loved someone why would you stop loving them though? unless they hurt you in some way then why would it fade? i was in a long term relationship at such an early age than most so that at 24 I had already experienced the ubiquitous phenomena of the old married couple who are more sterilized life partners than a romantic couple. and that's seen as the ideal happily ever after for most people, to end up sitting side by side with their retirement money and no passion. it's terrifying. that's not love, that's settling. im also not interested in forever, either, though. that sounds claustrophobic. but i want metrics, i want a clearly defined model and parameters that will tell me once and for all what love is and how to know if you love someone. all the things people answer the questions of love with can be explained by anything other than love. it's 'subjective'. you never know if it was really love or not until after the fact. so tell me again how you know you are in love? sounds like the knowledge proceeds the thing and it has to break down before you are elucidated. i dont like lies and i dont like my brain or body or me lying to myself. i dont like other people lying to me or other peoples bodies lying to them and in turn lying to me. ultimately you cant trust them or yourself. why the fuck would anyone want anything to do with this? how is it worth it in any way? yeah i had fun for like 5 minutes when i felt wanted before the emptiness of being used for my body set in or more long term before all my emotions faded and i was left with disappointment and disillusionment, feeling either tricked by the other person or by my body's duplicitous chemical reactions. also everyone wants to love and be loved so bad that theyre not rigorous with it. they dont take it seriously and play fast and loose with the concept. i can tell when someone is telling me they love me because they WANT to be in love and ive been very self conscious every time ive told someone i loved them, knowing it was something i was trying to conjure rather than something i was truly feeling, how flat it would fall on my tongue, how much like a bad actor i sounded. so tell me without it possibly being a stand in for loneliness or a patriarchal construct or infatuation or idealization or fleeting passion, what is love? also what is it supposed to do for me or is that wrong to ask, so machiavellian of me. I remember in a college class we did a test on every student and i scored as possessing the least machiavellianism of them all. i think im too earnest and genuine for this love thing and ultimately im not tapped in to the fact that it's people's favorite game/pastime or something because there's absolutely nothing sincere about the way it functions, how people feel and express it and how it's capable of coming and going from one day to the next. i dont know what love is but it's definitely not fickle, right? anyways, because i dont know what love is, because ive never experienced it, i cant love. oh how sad everyone dabs at their eyes. no whats sad is how you lie to yourself and assume its love because youd rather. thats fucking pathetic. get clear headed and straight with yourself. stop fucking around. im not gonna fucking kid myself. everything is lubricated with lies and every social construct and contract and norm is a slimy lie. it makes me so sick but im sick because i actually sit down and think about these things, question, think critically, probe. and then im honest about it.
pamplemousse he said. crepuscular he said. so even though im bereft of any capacity or urge to love on both a logical and emotional level i still mine for dopamine and i still like looking at good looking men and masturbating with their faces playing in my brain although i dont want to be touched. well maybe by the ones that are long gone from this earth plane and thus their masculinity has rubbed off. i only started thinking of men while masturbating within the last year or two. before that id just focus on the orgasm until i did...i dont understand how people need aids. i dont think they truly do, theyve just adjusted to needing them and thinking they do. i also look down on devices. i believe all women should be capable of bringing themselves to orgasm with their own hands and if they cant they better get down to fucking perfecting that. if i have to read one more post of a woman wondering why she isnt orgasming during sex with a man i think my clitoris will atrophy. women sometimes piss me off more than men ever could. its because they should know better yet they insist on not. its a much more personal betrayal. we are part of the same group and youre being a dumb bitch. stop being a dumb bitch. why are you under a man? i prefer missionary too but im speaking figuratively. leave and use your hands and orgasm 8 times in an row to your own fucking body.
but im still attracted to men, however it stops there with my gaze. it goes no further than that because the reality is unappealing. when i went out and living here, i barely ever saw men i was attracted to. i thought i was asexual for a while before my first relationship but then it just turned out i was only into a very hyperspecific phenotype. i once joked about how i only find white men attractive due to internalized racism (as with all good jokes, it contained truth and social analysis) and this dumbass just looked horrified as i laughed it off. read a sociology book and take the stick out of you ass you dumb bitch. that was like 10 years ago and i dont forget those types of very personal offenses. norman reedus, kurt cobain, evan peters as tate langdon, gerard way, the singer from the academy is in the 2000s, young leonardo dicaprio of course. fucking jack gleeson at the moment, who is not conventionally good looking but that's actually my most compelling type, how did i even come across him recently but that man has me smiling to myself and my youtube/search history looking like a pubescent girl's. but it's fine because its just a one way channel transmitted to me that im receiving and at any time it can and will dwindle and be fine. i like these relationships, its clean, its not messy, i know what's happening, it's a crush. but at the end of the day i do still feel pathetic feeling any sort of emotion for a man and i have to confront the fact that even though ive come along way since the days of being grateful that a guy was squeezing my tits so hard they were hemorrhaging, it's still a gateway drug, just like when i wasnt looking for a thing and met that guy on reddit and broke my years of celibacy, thinking i never would fall (as in stumble, obviously not as in love) but instead found myself so easily led back to square 1, to my old pathetic ways of debasing myself in the pursuit of this love i dont think even exists but that true to my tragic socialized womanhood (because men do not struggle with this, theyre not deep enough to, they just want their bangmaid/mommy archetype filled) i still could betray myself for.
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